Old man Swag!

When I was younger, I never felt attractive. I was either too fat, too hairy, not tall enough or more simply not good enough. This lasted through both my teens and most of my twenties. This was in part due to my own insecurities, I was trying to model myself against my more attractive friends. All my friends are over six foot, have beautiful smiles, and have confidence for days. And I wouldn’t change any of it, that would make ME a shitty person to be around. Yep, my insecurities should not be pushed on them (even though I might’ve in the past). As I get older (Next year I will be 30), I’m starting to give fewer fucks about being attractive to random strangers. I mean, it would be nice to have that kind of broader appeal, but I need to face the fact that that might never happen. It’s no one’s fault, that just the random qualities that I got in this life. I’ve been feeling great lately; I’ve been going to the gym more, eating better(well fasting better), and I’ve been getting a handle on what I want to do professionally. I feel like I’m getting my old man swag!I’m still a work in progress and has a long way to go in terms of meeting my goals, but it’s nice to feel like I’m on the right street at least. One of the things that helped me and that I’m still getting used to is giving myself a break. I can’t compare myself to others and younger who have achieved some success. I am on my own path, I have my own struggles and challenges and maybe in some instances, some advantages.

I’m still a work in progress and has a long way to go in terms of meeting my goals, but it’s nice to feel like I’m on the right street at least. One of the things that helped me and that I’m still getting used to is giving myself a break. I can’t compare myself to others and younger who have achieved some success. I am on my own path, I have my own struggles and challenges and maybe in some instances, some advantages.

In writing this I guess I am making a commitment to myself that I will always keep improving. I will eventually become the best version of myself and I encourage everyone to do that.

Dumbest thing that made me quit Tumblr.

Indulge my Tumblr rant for a moment:

I remember back when I had a Tumblr page, there was this one Tumblr circle-jerk sympathy post (that site was full of them) that went around detailing things that girls do to compromise (I guess that is the right word) with guys. Or let’s just say that girls feel pressured. Now I an not unsympathetic for all the fucked up things that guys do to girls, and I am DEFINITELY against rape. But I read something on there that really made me think that so many people on there might not be the brightest bulbs in the box.
There was this one girl who I followed(she was fine as hell, I will not lie) added the following:
“One time I was hanging out with this guy who was smoking some weed and I asked for some. He said that if I wanted to smoke with him then I would have to give him some booty. I really wanted to smoke some that day but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to have sex. I ended up smoking with him and that is how I lost my virginity and this is why I don’t trust men.”
I didn’t say anything at the time because I didn’t want the entire Collective of feminist Tumblr jumping down my throat but that was probably one of the dumbest things that I’ve read in a while. If no one force you to do anything then you can’t blame them for any of your actions. If you make the conscious decision to have sex with somebody but then later on regrets having sex with them that’s not their fault you just regret an action that you chose to do. Again, I am against rape and I am against putting pressure on females in order to take advantage of them. 

With that said you need to take responsibility for yourself and realize when some things are and aren’t your fault. I guess this is me really hating those circle jerk sympathy shit that goes on in that website because no one’s ever going to admit when things just MIGHT be their fault.  

I don’t want this to come off as anti Tumblr because I legitimately do think that the website is needed because it does bring up certain problems in our society and it does shed light on certain issues. But on the flip side, Tumblr is full of annoying people complaining and crying wolf at everything and always needing a scapegoat for their problems. That’s part of the reason why I quit that site, aside from the pussy-pandering white knights on there. 

Anyways, thanks for listening to my ranting. 😊

I’m not okay….

Do you know how tiring it is to constantly tell yourself that you’re going to be okay? It’s quite mentally exhausting. You spend a lot of energy trying to move past your anxiety and/or climb out of your depression but almost anything can be a setback. Not making enough money, bills running late, stressing over kids, stressing over people, or maybe you just had a really bad day. We end up convincing ourselves that were not good enough, that we can’t handle it. I get tired of trying to convince myself that I’m worth it. I’m just tired……I’m tired of always being broke, I’m tired of being alone, I’m tired of feeling like I won’t get anywhere in life. I could be a great person, by all accounts I should be by now. I should have money and be able to take care of my mom, I shouldn’t feel like a loser. I might have sleep apnea but I don’t get it treated. I guess there are worse ways to die. Maybe that’s the easy way out. I am gambling with my life every time I go to sleep. I wake up because I have to. This will pass but I fear one day it won’t. 

Is anyone else bummed that Suicide Squad didn’t do that well?

I know I am. Matter of fact, I was looking forward to this movie more that BVS. It had a pretty unique concept and the cast all seemed to like each other. Unfortunately, the final result of the movie left me wanting a better product. I actually dug the hell out of Will Smith’s portrayal of Deadshot. Yes I know he basically played himself but with a slight edge but I was feeling it. I have made a post last year elaborating on my opinions of the movie but I made this post to see who else share in my disappointment. This is not a DC bashing post but I want to see how others would have improved on what we saw.

So…… discuss.

The worst part about being someone who tends to overthink things a lot is knowing the inevitably of one’s death. I guess that’s why most people tend to stay busy most of the time. Having an occupied mind without any deep thinking can make for a pretty happy life. Look, I could be more wrong than Mel Gibson leading a bar mitzvah but this is how I feel.

OITNB is getting on my bad side

OITNB is getting on my bad side

Like most people, I am a fan of the Netflix show “Orange Is The New Black”. I started watching OITNB when it started its second season and I had to play catch up with the first. There was quite a bit of hype behind this show and I was feeling it. Plus, any show that has Captain Janeway (Kate Mulgrew) is worth considering a look at. Piper was a good starting point to introduce the audience to the prison system and the not-so-known problems that plague the for-profit prison system.  The cast was a wonderful blend of characters from different cultures, sexualities, and financial background; each showing how sometimes bad choices or even simple mistakes can change your life. You don’t have to be a bad person to go to jail\prison, just unfortunate. 

With all of that said, there are a few moments in later seasons that have rubbed me the wrong way. Matter of fact, I can tell you which characters cause me to re-evaluate this whole series. The characters: Joe Caputo, Lorna Morello, and Piper Chapman. I’m going to explain why each of these character’s storylines irks me.

Joe Caputo: As a character, Mr. Caputo always seemed like someone trying to make the best of his situation. In the first 2 seasons; he had to deal with working up under a shady boss while being stonewalled everytime he tries to make an improvement for the inmates. Then when he actually becomes the warden at the start of season 3, he realizes that he would not have the power for good that he wished for. Every character in this show is humanized, but I personally felt like he was probably the most relatable. In his backstory, he always wanted to be the “Good Guy”. Injuring himself just to put over a special needs kid, taking care of a woman and her kid only to be told that he wasn’t needed. I know I might be upsetting some feminist readers with this but it ducking sucks to dedicate your life to someone and their kid only to be told that you should “stop waiting for people to say thank you, and no one asked you for help”. I know this comes at a time in our society when women’s rights and the whole entitlement conversations are happening, but you can’t say that that event wasn’t fucked up. This is more of a personal rant in this case because I don’t want him to be deserving of all the bad treatment, guess I’ll have to wait till next season to see. Now I know he has an entitlement complex but I can’t help but comment on his potential.

Now time for my second most hated character: Lorna Morello. She was a mysterious character for the first season but you could tell that she was a little “off”. It wasn’t until they delved into her backstory that it was revealed that she was\is a stalker, and what’s worse if that she is a violent stalker who uses manipulation to get what she wants. I know she is portrayed in a way that makes it easier for people to feel sympathy for her but I cannot.

Here’s a setup: A man has an unrelenting crush on a woman, he gets rejected by her, he starts stalking her, he finds out that she is moving on so he plants a bomb trying to kill her new flame and potentially her, he briefly escapes prison to break into her home and rummages through her things, when confronted he ends up gaining the sympathy of a lonely loser of a woman who then assaults the original victim as “payback” for breaking the man’s heart, the man gets rewarded with a wife and has no consequences befall him for terrorizing the victim. 

Did reading that upset you? Well, this is everything that the character Morello has done but because she is a woman, she is looked upon as a damaged soul\a victim. I would not even be upset if they fixed that in the next season but they just went ahead and kept making her out to be a sympathetic character. And TO BE FAIR, I know that technically she is mentally ill, but that does not make her exempt from her actions. If she knows how to manipulate people, she can be help accountable. I might not be reading the right blogs but I rarely see people criticize her. Quite the opposite, I see people gravitating towards her and identifying with her. I can’t excuse the way sexism allowed men to do this in the past and I will call that out if a popular show did that (but that won’t be necessary with all the Tumblr blogs looking for that kind of shit), but it’s crazy how no one likes to point out that abusive behavior. I sincerely hope they change that in the upcoming season because right now I hate her character….. almost as much as my next one.

The series “protagonist”, Miss Piper Chapman. As a starting point, Piper was a great way to introduce viewers to Litchfield prison. She offered a fresh set of eyes from the perspective an “everyman”, at least till the third season. At the current pace of the story, Piper is quickly becoming spoiled, entitled, privileged asshat who whines, cries, and acts surprised when she faces the consequences of her actions. The biggest and most recent example that comes to mind is when Piper snitched on Maria Ruiz because the latter opened up a rival contraband business. This causes Ruiz to have her sentence extended meaning that it would be a long time before she saw her daughter again. As retaliation, Ruiz and her gang abducted Piper and branded her with a swastika (I totally forgot to mention that Piper also started a White-Power gang in the prison). There are other examples in the recent seasons but that one really stood out to highlight Piper’s victim complex. Simply put, they need a new main character. Someone who is likable but knows how to handle themselves. I would have suggested Poussey but……… ya know.

I hope I adequately explained myself about why I feel the way I do about these characters. I do like the show and most of the cast and I am interested in seeing where this all goes. Wouldn’t it be a little messed up if the upcoming season feces all my criticisms and makes this whole post null and void. Hell, is that happens, I will happily go back and Broken Matt Hardy this thing. Guess we shall see….

Daily Prompt: Scent

I walked out of the hospital the other day, my shift just ended and my feet was sure to be covered in blisters. I took 3 steps past the outside doors of the ER and that’s when I caught a familiar scent. I could never forget it. It’s not something you find in a cheap outlet mall, no fragrance in Sephora could match this. This was not just any scent, it was an essence. An essence of someone I have not seen in about 2 decades, a middle-school crush.  I’m taken back to the time I was enrolled in Jerry William’s Martial Arts class. There was a girl there who’s hair reminded me of those luxurious fur coats: soft, think, and shines in the sunlight. I forget her name but I could never forget her face, or her scent apparently. Now I’m back in present day and I’m looking for the source. I do a quick walkthrough around the ER but I can’t find her. I’m not sure what I’d do if I did. What would I say? I don’t think she would be receptive if I went to her and said, “Hey I caught a whiff of your scent that reminded me of that dirty ass dojo we use to go to years ago, wanna catch up?”. I don’t believe that would go well. Also, what would she look like? In my head, she’s a mature version of that brown-eyed girl who left a lasting impression on my sub-conscience, but reality doesn’t meet our expectations. She could be physically repulsive to me, suffer from a mental illness, be terminally ill, or probably just have bad breath.

I’m taken back to the time I was enrolled in Jerry William’s Martial Arts class. There was a girl there who’s hair reminded me of those luxurious fur coats: soft, think, and shines in the sunlight. I forget her name but I could never forget her face, or her scent apparently. Now I’m back in present day and I’m looking for the source. I do a quick walkthrough around the ER but I can’t find her. I’m not sure what I’d do if I did. What would I say? I don’t think she would be receptive if I went to her and said, “Hey I caught a whiff of your scent that reminded me of that dirty ass dojo we use to go to years ago, wanna catch up?”. I don’t believe that would go well. Also, what would she look like? In my head, she’s a mature version of that brown-eyed girl who left a lasting impression on my sub-conscience, but reality doesn’t meet our expectations. She could be physically repulsive to me, suffer from a mental illness, be terminally ill, or probably just have bad breath. Maybe she’s visiting a loved one, they might be injured or on their deathbed. Either way, a reunion would not be appropriate.

After 5 minutes of searching, I decide to give up the chase. By this time her scent has disappeared, I have lost her again. Maybe I need to let go, perhaps I need to keep her in the past. I’m ashamed to say that I have hopes of possibly seeing her because this was at the hospital that I work at. As messed up as it sounds, I hope she returns.

Guess I’ll leave that up to fate…