Dumbest thing that made me quit Tumblr.

Indulge my Tumblr rant for a moment:

I remember back when I had a Tumblr page, there was this one Tumblr circle-jerk sympathy post (that site was full of them) that went around detailing things that girls do to compromise (I guess that is the right word) with guys. Or let’s just say that girls feel pressured. Now I an not unsympathetic for all the fucked up things that guys do to girls, and I am DEFINITELY against rape. But I read something on there that really made me think that so many people on there might not be the brightest bulbs in the box.
There was this one girl who I followed(she was fine as hell, I will not lie) added the following:
“One time I was hanging out with this guy who was smoking some weed and I asked for some. He said that if I wanted to smoke with him then I would have to give him some booty. I really wanted to smoke some that day but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to have sex. I ended up smoking with him and that is how I lost my virginity and this is why I don’t trust men.”
I didn’t say anything at the time because I didn’t want the entire Collective of feminist Tumblr jumping down my throat but that was probably one of the dumbest things that I’ve read in a while. If no one force you to do anything then you can’t blame them for any of your actions. If you make the conscious decision to have sex with somebody but then later on regrets having sex with them that’s not their fault you just regret an action that you chose to do. Again, I am against rape and I am against putting pressure on females in order to take advantage of them. 

With that said you need to take responsibility for yourself and realize when some things are and aren’t your fault. I guess this is me really hating those circle jerk sympathy shit that goes on in that website because no one’s ever going to admit when things just MIGHT be their fault.  

I don’t want this to come off as anti Tumblr because I legitimately do think that the website is needed because it does bring up certain problems in our society and it does shed light on certain issues. But on the flip side, Tumblr is full of annoying people complaining and crying wolf at everything and always needing a scapegoat for their problems. That’s part of the reason why I quit that site, aside from the pussy-pandering white knights on there. 

Anyways, thanks for listening to my ranting. 😊

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I’m not okay….

Do you know how tiring it is to constantly tell yourself that you’re going to be okay? It’s quite mentally exhausting. You spend a lot of energy trying to move past your anxiety and/or climb out of your depression but almost anything can be a setback. Not making enough money, bills running late, stressing over kids, stressing over people, or maybe you just had a really bad day. We end up convincing ourselves that were not good enough, that we can’t handle it. I get tired of trying to convince myself that I’m worth it. I’m just tired……I’m tired of always being broke, I’m tired of being alone, I’m tired of feeling like I won’t get anywhere in life. I could be a great person, by all accounts I should be by now. I should have money and be able to take care of my mom, I shouldn’t feel like a loser. I might have sleep apnea but I don’t get it treated. I guess there are worse ways to die. Maybe that’s the easy way out. I am gambling with my life every time I go to sleep. I wake up because I have to. This will pass but I fear one day it won’t. 

The worst part about being someone who tends to overthink things a lot is knowing the inevitably of one’s death. I guess that’s why most people tend to stay busy most of the time. Having an occupied mind without any deep thinking can make for a pretty happy life. Look, I could be more wrong than Mel Gibson leading a bar mitzvah but this is how I feel.

Daily Prompt: Scent

I walked out of the hospital the other day, my shift just ended and my feet was sure to be covered in blisters. I took 3 steps past the outside doors of the ER and that’s when I caught a familiar scent. I could never forget it. It’s not something you find in a cheap outlet mall, no fragrance in Sephora could match this. This was not just any scent, it was an essence. An essence of someone I have not seen in about 2 decades, a middle-school crush.  I’m taken back to the time I was enrolled in Jerry William’s Martial Arts class. There was a girl there who’s hair reminded me of those luxurious fur coats: soft, think, and shines in the sunlight. I forget her name but I could never forget her face, or her scent apparently. Now I’m back in present day and I’m looking for the source. I do a quick walkthrough around the ER but I can’t find her. I’m not sure what I’d do if I did. What would I say? I don’t think she would be receptive if I went to her and said, “Hey I caught a whiff of your scent that reminded me of that dirty ass dojo we use to go to years ago, wanna catch up?”. I don’t believe that would go well. Also, what would she look like? In my head, she’s a mature version of that brown-eyed girl who left a lasting impression on my sub-conscience, but reality doesn’t meet our expectations. She could be physically repulsive to me, suffer from a mental illness, be terminally ill, or probably just have bad breath.

I’m taken back to the time I was enrolled in Jerry William’s Martial Arts class. There was a girl there who’s hair reminded me of those luxurious fur coats: soft, think, and shines in the sunlight. I forget her name but I could never forget her face, or her scent apparently. Now I’m back in present day and I’m looking for the source. I do a quick walkthrough around the ER but I can’t find her. I’m not sure what I’d do if I did. What would I say? I don’t think she would be receptive if I went to her and said, “Hey I caught a whiff of your scent that reminded me of that dirty ass dojo we use to go to years ago, wanna catch up?”. I don’t believe that would go well. Also, what would she look like? In my head, she’s a mature version of that brown-eyed girl who left a lasting impression on my sub-conscience, but reality doesn’t meet our expectations. She could be physically repulsive to me, suffer from a mental illness, be terminally ill, or probably just have bad breath. Maybe she’s visiting a loved one, they might be injured or on their deathbed. Either way, a reunion would not be appropriate.

After 5 minutes of searching, I decide to give up the chase. By this time her scent has disappeared, I have lost her again. Maybe I need to let go, perhaps I need to keep her in the past. I’m ashamed to say that I have hopes of possibly seeing her because this was at the hospital that I work at. As messed up as it sounds, I hope she returns.

Guess I’ll leave that up to fate…

When I was younger I thought that I would just naturally become the person I was meant to be. I believed that just by living  this uncertain life I have, I would just accumulate all the right experience needed for the growth that works make me into the person I foresaw in my head. I wish I knew neck then that that’s not how this works, that’s not how any of this works. You can’t trust the future that much. Not to the point where you entrust it with your most precious non-refundable gift: Your time. That is what you ultimately lose. The time you wasted believing that you will eventually figure everything out only to not be any more enlightened than you were before. You waste your time by falling into a job or a program of study that you have no interest in. You may tell yourself that it’s temporary but, that you’re going to stay until you “figure something out”. When that never comes, you just end up with a dark spot in your soul where your passion should be. Doing things this way just…. It makes you lazy. Lazy enough to rest on your laurels and give yourself to time in hopes of an epiphany of yourself in this temporary little life. I can imagine what I sound like from am outside perspective, but I say all this with the intention that the reader does not hesitate when it comes to self-discovery. I know it’s not too late for me or anyone but you do not want to have wasted time on your lists of regrets. This will be short and bittersweet. Please take control of your lives and just wait for things to happen or fall into place. You owe yourself more than that. 

It is a goddamn shame about the Suicide Squad.

Not only did this movie look interesting, you can also tell that the cast genuinely appreciated being there.

The first trailer for this movie set a somber tone that piqued my interest. The song, the voice overs, the way the characters looked, all of these told me that suicide squad was looking to do something different in the superhero genre.

Let’s talk about the cast: this is probably one of the most diverse casting I have seen in a film series aside from the Fast and the furious series. And they don’t have to draw attention to it. There is a mix of everybody but sadly they aren’t all treated fairly. I am specifically talking about Slipknot played by Adam Beach (one of my favorites). If the promotional material and castings wasn’t clear enough, Slipknot had a total of 8 mintues of screentime. Plus he does in an unnecessary way, to confirm what everyone knew, that Amanda Waller doesn’t play. Speaking of Ms. Waller….

She alongside Headshot (Will Smith) and Harley Quinn (Margot Robbie) were the standout characters in this movie. To be fair, Jai Courtney does a pretty decent job as Captain Boomerang which is saying a lot because I (along with plenty of others) don’t care for him that much. A character I had hoped would steal the show was Katana (Karen Fukuhara), but unfortunately some of her scenes were cut from the final film.

I really wanted to love this movie. After the disaster that was BvS, I need this movie to succeed. But as in some cruel twist of irony it was ultimately the direct result of BvS that led to the cutting and re-shoots of this film. This is what happens when studio execs go into panic mode and try to “improve” an already promising film. They should have left this alone. They should have had faith in the crew and the director, hell they should have had faith in the brand.

I love the DC universe, I love the characters. But I’m not so sure about the future of the DCCU. 

Don’t save her if you want to be with her.

I love this girl…… But I don’t want her.

Seems like an oxymoron doesn’t it? 

(God I hope that’s the right word or I look like an idiot).

But I have recently learned a lot about love, affection, reality & acceptance. I know that you can only go so far with people. That you would tear a muscle being “too involved” in their life, especially their drama.

I see a lot of guys (both old and young) continuously fall into this trap. And this happens to women too but for the sake of this article, we’ll stick to the male p.o.v.

The woman I love is a thousand miles away….. And loves someone else.

I resigned within myself that I should let her go, let her pursuit her version of happiness without me working against it.

That is the greatest act of love that I could give her. All I had to was to sacrifice my fantasies of her and I being together.

It took a while but eventually I was okay with it. That is until we had a conversation 5 days ago.

She stopped calling me, even checking in on me to see how everything is. We use to do that and I still wanted to see how she was doing. I knew her being in a relationship would mean that we would talk less but it’s almost been zero contact. 

I tried to give her her space but after not talking for a few months, I decided we needed to speak. At very least tell me that you don’t want to talk anymore.

At this point I feel like I’ve gone full internet complaint mode but… Oh well.

The last few conversations I’ve had with her have all been about her dealing with bad relationships and mental illness. No matter how many time I say that I’m there for her, it is to no avail.

When talking about her past and current relationships, I tried my best to be cool with it. I figured I lucky enough to know her so being her friend wasn’t bad. But when that’s all she wants to talk about, I start to form a little regret.

I try to be understanding, but I’m not going to be the person you complain about life to just to go back doing the same thing… That’s insane. I now know that no matter how much I’m there, it probably won’t happen. She will be miserable no matter what and will never feel the way I do. Damn shame.

I don’t blame her for feeling the way she does. I just hate that I feel like I’m never going to meet anyone better than her. I know there are better matches for me out there but I need to believe that myself.

I can’t help her, I damn sure we’ll can’t save her.